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Political Commentator and Columnist offers Jason Stanford his comedic take what to look for during this week’s Democratic debates on CNN from Detroit.
On Tuesday, July 30, CNN will air the first night of the second round of the Democratic debates with Sens. Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren at center stage. Sanders will be unable to survive the contrast Warren provides when she demonstrates an adult understanding of how shit actually works. CNN will break into the debate to air Bernie’s political obituary, whereupon John Hickenlooper will be caught on a hot mic asking whether this means he is the next old white dude up.
Senator Amy Klobuchar, who has complained that male candidates such as Mayor Pete Buttigieg and former congressman Beto O’Rourke are getting too much media attention, will give Buttigieg a sock and say, “Dobby is a free elf now.” Her campaign will later say that she chose the sock with a Republican senator. The sock will be red.
Beto, who like Cher, Madonna, and Beyoncé is not in the top tier of candidates, has struggled since kicking off his presidential campaign with a vision quest and a Vanity Fair cover. Nevertheless, he’ll benefit in the debate by standing next to Governor John Hickenlooper who doesn’t at all look like the chatty older man you don’t want to sit next to on a plane. To create a media-ready moment, Beto will make out with Marianne Williamson, at her podium of course, because he is a gentleman. John Delaney will demand and be promised equal time. He will not get it.
The next night will reprise the contretemps between former Vice President Joe Biden and Senator Kamala Harris. Biden will open with the King’s gambit, also known as the open Sicilian, by reminding everyone that his civil rights record passed muster with President Barack Obama. This will draw a sharp look from Senator Cory Booker, but he will nevertheless agree that Biden was in fact Obama’s vice president. Harris will gently point out that perhaps what a much-younger Obama needed Biden on the ticket for was not credentialing on civil rights. You will receive 17 emails from her campaign in the next five minutes.
Someone will make a joke about the presumptive frontrunner “bidin’ his time” during the debate, causing DNC Chair Tom Perez to issue a new rule during the debate to never try that again. Jay Inslee will call Michael Bennet “Steve,” and though most people will assume he mixed him up with Steve Bullock, Inslee will later admit that he had no idea who Bullock was and just though Bennet “looked like a Steve.” Pundits will reach a post-debate consensus that in fact Michael Bennet looks more like a Kevin.
In a surprise move, Beto will break into the studio to give Tulsi Gabbard a rose. Biden will criticize Medicare-for-all as a betrayal of Obamacare. Booker will accuse him of “trying to Mediscare us,” providing a helpful reminder that the New Jersey Senator is, in fact, still running and had not dropped our earlier in the debate.
Google searches for “shirtless Jay Inslee” will increase during the debate. Behavioral scientists will reason later that the increase in searches was due to his placement next to the less-attractive Bill de Blasio, who will spend so much time criticizing establishment Democrats that Julián Castro will be frustrated enough to say, “CNN once aired a live shot of an empty podium before a Trump press conference. Letting you talk is the next best thing, I guess.” A subsequent David Brooks column will cite this as an example of the violation of norms, but no one will be around to read it because Castro’s remark will have left a giant smoking crater.
Find more from Jason Stanford at jasonstanford.substack.com